I feel it’s time to broach a subject of great import with my fellow man, especially you younger ones out there. It’s not an easy topic to discuss, it’s quite hard in fact, but it’s now 2021 and humility, for all practical purposes, flew out the window at least two or three decades ago.
So, I’m just going to put it out there: Nobody likes dick pics, OK? At least prospective partners. So cover it back up, caveman, and focus your attention instead on the antelope drawings you started and never finished on your cave walls.
The girl you’re sending these “little” gifts to will 99.7% of the time react in one of the following ways. In many cases, she’ll react in ALL of the following ways.
1) She’ll be disgusted and immediately delete it, and then block your number before you can say, “I’m addicted to porn!”
2) She’ll forward it to all her friends and they’ll laugh and laugh and laugh because what you think is an amazing display of manhood could possibly be all in your head. The one on your neck, of course, and the one that should be telling you, “Dude…this is a really, really bad idea”
3) She will reply to your message and explain in excruciating detail why, in fact, you’re a total loser who has now successfully freaked her the fuck out and then she’ll ask why your mother insisted on raising you like a farm animal.
Then, more often than not, she’ll proceed to use her higher intelligence and wit to demean you, lecture you, and tear away every last bit of pride you possessed prior to hitting “Send” with your fat, hairy caveman fingers.
Guys, stay with me here. This is important. You don’t have to live this way.
We’ve evolved from grunting and walking around hunched over to speaking actual words and having a solid, erect posture, no pun intended.
We no longer have to kill our dinner and cook it over an open fire either, unless of course that’s what we enjoy.
Women, the ones worth being with for more than one night, require much more of you than your generous offer to rock their world.
But let’s assume just for a second that you do, in fact, have quite the impressive appendage. While she might find it somewhat intriguing, you’re still missing the point: Women aren’t as simple as men. Connection is sexy. Conversation is hot. A sense of humor is a turn on. In short, they want the full package, not just the one below the belt.
So my advice to my fellow (cave) men: Evolve. Or as my wife likes to say, try harder. Lift your knuckles off the ground and speak actual words, and if you feel really ambitious, try a full sentence.
Finally, for your own reputation, as well as the reputation of your fellow man, have some self-respect for crying out loud.